My favorite responses to pick up lines

Dude: (noticing I'm eating a popsicle and that popsicles are phallic) Mmm, yeah that's hot, baby. Can I have a bite?

Me: ...you can either notice it looks like a dick, or ask for a bite, doing both just makes you look gay.

Fat Dude: Can I take you out some time?

Me: My legs don't spread that wide.

Dude: So... can we go out sometime?

Me: ...you're not David Bowie, so no.

Dude: Can I go out with you?

Me: I'm a dyke

Dude: How can you be sure? Have you ever been with a guy?

Me: Have you ever been with a guy?

Dude: So how about I take you out?

Me: I only date pre-operative asian transsexuals.

Dude: Can I have your number?

Me: 8 (allow for lengthy pause and turn away)

Dude: So, do you have a boyfriend?

Me: Yes, her name is Vonka.

Dude: (at me and my girlfriend) Damn, what a waste.

Me: We're very efficient actually, I've had 56 orgasms today.

Dude: So why aren't you married?

Me: Because this state doesn't have same-sex marriage.

The 11 Best Things About Dating Another Femme

1. Mani-pedis can be a date
2. When we go out dancing we both understand the need to break for stiletto recovery time
3. If we wear the same shade of lipstick and make out no one gets lipstick on them that doesn't belong there
4. Femmes are the only people who know the correct response to "Do I look fat?"
5. If you move in together you just doubled your wardrobe.
6. No one ever wants to watch the game.
7. She can appreciate your cute underwear as well as your hot underwear
8. They remember anniversaries and buy thoughtful gifts accompanied with thoughtful cards
9. They don't track mud on your nice carpet
10. They're interested in helping you pick out drapes

11. They're prettier than the other options.